My depression story.
This year for the first time I was diagnosed with depression, I can honestly say I’ve never quite felt anything like it, I had a few days of the baby blues when my daughter was born, but that finished pretty much as quickly as it started. This was different and so much more.
I’d had a lot going on, the realisation that my daughter may need some help and a tough start to the year, I knew I felt really low by March. I didn’t want to leave the house or the salon. They were my ‘safe places’. The people there wanted to see me. I started to pull my eyelashes out and hair (called trichotillomania) something I hadn’t really done excessively since I was a teenager.
I wouldn’t go out with friends, I wouldn’t sit outside with friends when I saw them and have a coffee, I mean why would they want to sit with me? I also got to the super market one day and it took me 20 minutes to be able to get out of the car. My friends at work came to me one day and said they were really worried about me. That I didn’t seem myself, low, quiet, withdrawn. The final straw that made me realise I needed to see the doctor was not being able to get out the car at all when I went shopping. Feeling so self conscious that I thought everyone everywhere looked at me and thought I was disgusting, fat, ugly, repulsive. These thoughts came from someone saying similar behind my back. I spoke to the GP and he put me on antidepressants after diagnosing me with reactive depression from a tough year, this was in about April. He said I’d need to be on them for at least 6 months.
The first couple of weeks were awful, they definitely make you feel worse before they make you feel better, but after that I started to pick up little by little and now 6 months on I feel the best I’ve done in a long long time. It was tricky with my husband he works a lot and I’m not sure he understood why I needed them as he’s very rarely there in my darkest moments. But he loves me and that’s enough.
Things have improved i n my life, my daughter had finally been diagnosed with Autistic Spectrum Disorder, which after the shock was a relief. Deciding to move my daughters school, she’s happier
and that stress is lower. My tough year has finally started to feel like it’s getting better. I have a great team at work who are my rocks, they make me laugh everyday, new colleagues and friends babies have made the end to the year something speacial. My family have been brilliant and have always supported me and for that I am ever grateful.
I’m starting to feel so much better about myself, I may be fat but I can laugh about it now and do you know what if people judge me for it I now realise it’s their problem rather than mine. I’m not comfortable in my skin but I am learning to love myself again or maybe even for the first time.
I’m not completely better yet and I’m definitely not ready to come of the tablets because the thought of feeling like I did terrifies me, I never want to feel despair and utter loneliness like it ever again. If I’m quiet and I don’t talk to you when I would normally it’s probably because I’m feeling insecure and having a wobble.
I wanted to write my story of depression because I wanted to help others. If you feel low, that life isn’t worth the hassle or that you can’t cope anymore, seek help. Talk to your friends and family if you can. Talk to the GP, your bosss, your teacher or college professor. Just talk to someone you trust But don’t give up. And most importantly you are not alone and depression is not something to be ashamed of.
Thank you Ruth And Rachael for being my trusted friend. Thank you to my family for loving me
REMEMBER SEEKING HELP ISN’T A SIGN OF WEAKNESS ITS A SIGN OF STRENGTH....